The only thing perfect about marriage is the airbrushed wedding photo. ~ Anonymous
Marriage, even the best of marriages, takes effort and work.
In fact, based on the research I recently conducted regarding the essential elements necessary for a marriage to thrive, commitment, trust, and respect were in the top five – and each of these require work to make happen.
Many people still enter into marriage wearing rose-colored glasses. We long for the Hollywoodization of relationships. Where everything goes smoothly and passionately and all our disagreements are resolved before the credits roll.
Marriage myths can undermine your relationship. Rather than falling victim to these myths, take off the glasses and be honest with yourself and your spouse.
You don’t have to settle for less. In fact, you likely are reading this post (and Simple Marriage) because you’re interested making your marriage all it can be.
A great marriage is a long-term process — not an overnight miracle. By uncovering and debunking these marriage myths you’ll see things more clearly in life and marriage.
Myth 1: A good marriage begins by finding Mr. or Ms. Right
It’s easy to blame problems in marriage on our spouse, which can lead to the belief that they are not Mr. or Ms. Right. Surely, there are couples that really don’t belong together. However, the majority of these not-the-right-person beliefs are rooted in unrealistic expectations.
Myth 2: When couples argue, it destroys the relationship.
You may have entered marriage believing that arguing is bad. You may have expected things to go smoothly, with only a few minor bumps along the way. But then the usual struggles over money, sex, children, and/or sharing responsibilities emerge.
If you don’t recognize that all couples face these problems, it’s easy to believe something is wrong with your marriage. Some couples choose to distance themselves from each other rather than talk through the problems. In the end, many of these couple let their marriages fall apart because the gulf became too big to find their ways back to each other. Arguing, or better stated – heated discussions, can be a positive force in a marriage.
Myth 3: Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time.
A good marriage is the product of constant care and nurturing. Think about it this way, what do we know about achieving anything good in life? It takes work. For example, how do people stay physically fit? Certainly not by fantasizing and longing for a rock hard body – a healthy body takes constant attention and work.
The same is true for thriving relationships.
Marriage is very much like a living organism: It is constantly changing. Partners are not always going to feel close or affectionate toward one another. There are even times when you will be very angry at your spouse, times when you may even question why the two of you married in the first place.
Working though these rough spots is an important part of growing closer. Keep in mind however, there is nothing automatic about the process.
Myth 4: Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another’s makeup.
One great joy of marriage is the ability to pool your strengths and talents. If one of you is physical and the other intellectual, you can help expand one another’s horizons. However, if you are painfully shy and rely on your spouse to do all the talking, you’re going to feel an imbalance.
Assuming rigid roles based on gender also creates an imbalance: like a husband who refuses to help with cooking or cleaning because these tasks are “woman’s work” or a wife who refuses to pick up a hammer or screwdriver because “that’s the husband’s job.” Spouses must be flexible in their roles, and willing to work together at all sorts of tasks.
Great marriages are collaborative efforts in which both partners are dedicated to improving — as individuals and as a couple. Each marriage partner brings a unique package of strengths and weaknesses to the table, and each has a separate timetable for growth. But, if one partner’s development or contribution is way out of proportion to the other’s, this imbalance can undermine the marriage.
Myth 5: Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work.
It still surprises me how many people think happily married couples must do everything together. As if when you get married you cease to exist as an individual.
Each spouse has a separate life apart from that as a marriage partner – because marriage is choice. And it’s still as much of a choice 15 years into it as it was on the first day.
When you choose to get married, you choose to become an integral part of another person’s world. That means, among other things, taking an interest in your partner’s personal goals, and doing your best to have amicable dealings with his or her family of origin. However, this is a lot different than feeling compelled to do everything together. If you believe this myth you’ll likely find yourself or your spouse feeling trapped in the relationship.
Some marriages require more togetherness; others, more separateness. The trick is finding a balance of togetherness and separateness that works for you.
Myth 6: The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want.
In the past, people married out of economic necessity and to have children. Now some believe marriage is a way to achieve fulfillment and personal satisfaction.
Complaints in marriage often go like this: “I’m just not happy with him anymore. I don’t feel fulfilled.” These complaints are a result of overblown and misguided expectations.
You may see signs that this myth is interfering with your marriage; one would be when you or your partner say, “If you loved me you would . . . (check the choice or choices that apply):
- Spend more time with my family
- Make love to me more often
- Take the vacation that I want
- Not criticize me so much
- Do more household chores
The message here, “You don’t love me unless you do exactly what I want.”
There is also a flip side to this myth that shows up when one partner demands that the other accept their love on faith — even when their words and actions convey the opposite message.
Every one of us have a right to want our desires fulfilled, but we must be realistic. Even in the best of marriages, a spouse and the relationship can provide just so much fulfillment. The rest will have to come other sources such as career, family, or from the pursuit of various interests, or even – most importantly – from within.
Photo courtesy WTL photos
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I find that when I am more fulfilled from within, I am more fulfilled with my marriage also. The way I look at my marriage, life, career etc, has more to do with what is going on inside my head and how I am feeling about myself than anything else.
My hub came from a family that is glued together and to do something on your own means you don’t love the others in the family. This has been a challenge over the years in that I know that every time I want to go somewhere that wouldn’t include the hub, he’s going to buck it. He will even stoop to making uncalled for comments to try and sabotage my efforts to get away. I try to recognize his comments for what they are, the battle wounds of a dysfunctional upbringing and move on. It is frustrating but knowing what his attitude will be, I can expect for his reaction and not get too worked up over it.
Darn it Corey, it would be nice if all those “happily ever after” fairy tales could happen for all of us, but nope, not gonna happen. So with that in mind, I like your idea of growing up and getting the most out of life from that place.
Really you think saying “if you loved me you wouldn’t criticize me so much” is unreasonable? I agree there are better ways to bring up the subject/state your feelings, but spouses are meant to build one another up, not tear them down with criticism. The others I can see, but I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect support.
Nice article. I agree with all of it, and I think marriage can be wonderful. But the question I have when I read all of these books or internet postings about “how to make marriage work” is…Why should we make marriage work? I mean, if it’s so un-natural, and the majority of people simple don’t want to be with their partner after a number of years, and their is an innate excitement and desire to be with someone new, why then do we force this cultural idea of marriage upon ourselves? Is it because we’re scared to be along? Is it because we want to have children, and we want those children to have a balanced upbringing from a man and a woman? Both seem to be reasonable. Maybe we need a new societal system that doesn’t require us to live, breed, and die with the same person. Honestly, I have no idea.
@ Person– I don’t instinctively want to pay taxes, work or be nice to people who aren’t nice to me. Because naturally I just want to be happy, not grow up, not go through any hard times, have everyone see everything my way and like me. Being mature, having self control, keeping my word, doing the right thing, taking personal responsibility all take work. To say just because something takes work isn’t natural and shouldn’t be done is a slippery slope I think. ‘Naturally’ in this instance could quite easily be replaced with selfish in all of these instances.
I really enjoyed this article and how it distilled down some of the most common misconceptions. I also wanted to respond to Jen, who obviously has a real concern and challenge in her marriage. Jen, the thing is, when you say “if you loved me you wouldn’t criticize me so much” you are, unfortunately, continuing the cycle, by criticizing him. The most powerful way to handle this kind of thing is to address it when it happens by immediately saying, “Ouch, that really hurt my feelings.” Nothing more needs to be said, at that time. Let it sink in. If after a number of times, the behavior continues, then you have a different problem: that your husband doesnt care about your feelings – and that needs to be addressed, not by attacking him, but by telling him how that feels to you. I wish you all the best in resolving this challenge.
- Jeffrey
It’s not unreasonable to want support from a spouse, in fact, it’s necessary at times. But there is a huge difference between criticism and pointing out your feelings and what’s going on between you, just as you stated. Criticism is one of the Four Horsemen that can really cause damage to marriage.