For the past couple of weeks my wife and I have been discussing our future plans and dreams. We have this discussion at least once a year, although this time it’s been different.
Over the years we have tried to simplify our life. This has included our marriage, parenting, house, schedules, and in August our TV watching.
We believe that if you can keep things simple, you can experience more enjoyment in life.
There are many times in our goals and dreams discussion where we have the illusion that attaining some level of status or living in certain areas of the country will provide whatever is missing in our life and relationship. As if living on the coast in the Caribbean or working completely online would provide new levels of happiness in our lives.
The reason our most recent discussions have been different is the realization that regardless of where we live or what we do with our time, our baseline happiness level (or life satisfaction level, or pleasure level, etc.) remains roughly constant. While new scenery or career challenges may provide a spike in happiness, we’ll return to our previous level after the newness wears off.
This idea is confirmed by Philip Brickman’s research on lottery winners and their levels of happiness. He and his colleagues found that within as little as a month, lottery winners returned to their base levels of well-being. If they were unhappy before winning, they will remain so. Conversely, they discovered that accident victims who became paraplegic often are as happy as they were prior to the accident within as little as a year after the accident.
So regardless of where we live and what we do, we will largely be the same as we are now. This idea can be sobering or freeing. To me, it’s freeing. This frees me from chasing the proverbial carrot. From making a life goal or dream an end-all-be-all.
Now my wife and I are focusing more of our discussions on who we are at this moment. We are discussing ways we can increase our baseline levels or well-being both now and in the future.
While we still are making plans for our dreams, we are focusing on our dreams and the journey towards them!
Robert Pirsig, in his book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, describes joining a group of elderly Zen monks mountain climbing in the Himalayas. Although he was the youngest member of the group, he was the only one who struggled – eventually giving up while the others made it to the peak. He was so focused on reaching the peak that he became overwhelmed by what lay ahead and was unable to enjoy the climb. He lost his desire and strength to keep going.
Meanwhile, the monks also focused on the peak, but only to make sure they were staying on course. Knowing they were heading in the right direction allowed them to focus their attention and enjoy the steps along the way.
Goals and dreams are still important, but they must be kept in the right perspective. Goals and dreams are means, not just ends.
Here’s to the journey! Where are you headed?
*Adapted from Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar
Photo courtesy Hamed Saber
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I do want to end up living in a log cabin at a certain lake but I am not waiting to live until I get there. Between now and then, I want to have many adventures and experiences along the way. I am working on my business which is fun and exciting and also on my creative side. Next April is a big birthday for me….I am going to sky dive to celebrate it with enthusiasm and excitement! Won’t you join me Corey? It would be a blast!
Hey, Corey! For the most part, I agree. We’ve certainly done our share of moving around and changing circumstances, and generally keep the same level of contentment. The one exception, at least in our case, has been when my husband is “stuck” in corporate jobs. Although they are great for some people, they drained the life and soul out of him and he felt like he was wasting his life. This, in turn, was no good for our marriage or family life.
Now we are free of that, with no idea what our final destination will be or how the pieces will come together. So I love the story you shared about the monks being focused on the journey, rather than the destination. That’s EXACTLY what we are doing now.
Thanks!
Yes, the day to day activity is where happiness is gained or lost. I prefer lifestyles over an ending to a quest. I know psychologist Martin Seligman also discusses the idea that once you reach the level of “barely comfortable” happiness levels do not increase much no matter how much wealth you acquire.
I went skydiving in college. It’s great! Enjoy.
I don’t know if it’s good or bad that in order to increase happiness, or most anything in life, you have to be willing to tolerate discomfort in order to grow. It’s kind of counter-intuitive, leaning into discomfort in order to grow rather than turning away in order to make the discomfort go away.
I can attest to your statement Corey. Not only discomfort, but a feeling of awkwardness and off-balance. I can see why some people who can’t persevere hang where they are but if they just endure the hell of the crucible, they come out more refined! It was the best thing I ever did. Now I approach growth with less tension knowing the results will make all the difference.