Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Michael Smalley. Based on my previous post, there’s been some good discussion. Michael is a fellow therapist and blogger friend who wanted to weigh in on the discussion. What follows is Michael’s experience with people involving porn. I’ll weigh in with my thoughts tomorrow.
As a marriage and family author and speaker I’ve seen too many couples and too many families disintegrate because of online pornography and online affairs. Pornography found online is single-handedly the most dangerous enemy to healthy and vibrant relationships that I have run in to through my 15 years of helping couples.
Don’t believe me, then maybe you’ll believe Sarah (names changed for confidentiality). Sarah (and Jacob) had been happily married for almost 10 years when she discovered that his computer was full of online pornography. Sadly, it only takes a short time to become addicted to porn and Jacob was consumed with it.
Sarah wanted help, but Jacob had become so addicted that he didn’t care if he lost his family or not. Sarah came to my conference alone, hoping for some nugget of truth that might win her husband back. But after months of struggling with Jacob about his addiction to porn, he finally admitted that he’d been involved in several affairs with women he met online. There was nothing I could do for Sarah then – Jacob had made his choice and destroyed his family because of his destructive obsession.
But it’s not just marriages that are being destroyed through Internet pornography. About one year ago I had a mother and her 12 year-old son, Joey, come to me for some counseling. I didn’t know what they were dealing with. I assumed they were probably getting into conflict because her son was entering into puberty, which is a common time for parents to struggle relationally with their children.
Much to my dismay, however, Joey’s mother was not just into conflict with her son, but rather in a total crisis relating to online pornography. Joey’s parents kept a computer in the basement of their house so they could work in private when the kids were home from school.
Joey was well aware of this computer and often used it to research papers online or play online games. One day while Joey was researching a paper through Yahoo!, he stumbled across several links (which led) to sites with pornography. He checked them out and became instantly hooked. He would come home from school early just to look at pornography and would stay up late so he could sneak down to the basement alone and browse through his favorite porn sites.
This continued for several weeks completely undetected by his parents. Then one particular night, the police knocked on the front door at 2:00 a.m. asking Joey’s step dad where Joey was. Of course his confused step dad told the police that Joey was asleep in his bed. The police asked if they could enter the house to confirm Joey’s whereabouts and followed Joey’s dad down the hall and into his bedroom. There was no Joey in bed. The police looked at the step dad and asked, “Do you have a computer in the house?” The step dad answered yes and told the police it was down stairs.
As they opened the door to the basement they found Joey staring at the computer screen with a phone held to his ear. The site obviously confused Joey’s step dad and then the police explained something shocking.
While looking at online porn, Joey became so desperate to experience what he was watching on his monitor that he picked up the phone and dialed 0. When the tired AT&T operator answered her phone, like any other regular call, she was shocked to hear the voice of a 12 year-old boy asking her if she would be willing to have sex with a minor. Joey even told the operator where he lived, which is how she informed the police and then kept Joey on the phone so he could be protected. The police showed up to Joey’s house and informed the parents what their son had been up to.
These stories are real and they are dangerous. If you have a computer at home that is not protected from the grotesque images on the web, then you are at risk. You don’t have to be a sick person to get involved in pornography. You could be as innocent as a loving husband who accidentally discovers online porn. You could be as young as a 12 year-old, inches away from becoming grossly addicted.
If you want to keep your family and marriage healthy, then you need to set yourself up to succeed. Don’t be overly confident when it comes to the safety and security of your most precious relationships. Either get rid of your internet connection at home or get your computers protected, your kids and family are worth it. Pornography destroys everything it has influence over. Do not let these stories be your story.
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In the previous post, I asked Corey if he knew of any research on the effects of porn on individuals or couples when viewed as a couple. He said he would check it out. I would like to know if you know of any.
Thanks for the response.
This is a good article. The dangers created when children are exposed to pornography cannot be disputed. Joey’s story is very sad, although parents need to be vigilent of anything going on online where their kids are concerned… porn is only ONE of the dangers. Parents need to know what their kids are doing online regardless. It is not hard to keep them away from pornography online.
As for the trouble it causes in marriage, you gave a classic example. A husaband and wife who did not agree to allow porn into the marriage before they said their vows and one spouse breaks the trust by getting involved with it on the sly. Is it a porn issue or something deeper? I think it is something deeper. They likely did not discuss it before getting married and if they did I would wager that conversation was full of judgements that made the other spouse weary of sharing that they did in fact view porn. Or maybe they entered the marriage both agreeing not to allow it into their lives and one developed the interest later on and decided to hide it. Again, the issue is not the porn but the fact that there was no trust and communication in the marriage. If your spouse is hiding out in the basement, sneaking behind your back, the porn is the least of your problems.
These stories and very real scenarious do not speak to the many couples who do allow porn into their lives though. They may consent to allowing their spouse to view it or they may both view it. They are capable of having very healthy marriages because they are communicating and sharing. Porn can still become a problem even for these folks but for many it is just as likely that it will not. My husband and I talked at length about this issue before we got married to make sure we were both on the same page and had the same views and concerns. We decided to allow porn into our lives if we wanted it and have been happy with that decision and without regret.
So many problems could be averted if people just felt they could be honest with their own spouse!
Ooops! Also wanted to add that porn can be an addicting just like gambling, gaming, or drinking. You can have a spouse addicted to porn whether you agreed to allow porn into the marriage or not. Addiction IS a very real problem and the person with the addiction needs professional help. But again the issue is the person behind the addiction. A porn video, a video game, a deck of cards, and a glass of whiskey are not the real issue… the person who cannot function appropriately with them is the issue. In those cases porn did not destroy the marriage… a person with an addictive disorder ruined the marriage.
Corey, I very much look forward to your response. Personally, though these stories are heart-wrenching… they’re not going to convince anyone of anything. I prefer the approach you took in your previous post. Again, I am thankful that you’re tackling such a difficult issue.
I just want you to know that I’ll no longer be reading this site, thanks specifically to these two posts. Generally your advice is very well thought out, but at this point you’re espousing your dogmatic beliefs as fact, and I no longer care to partake. It’s a shame, your message is good, but I’ll be looking somewhere a bit more secular in the future – I’m not here to be preached to.
nice article with strong examples. only problem is that porn was the catalyst for deeper problems here.
i was exposed to online porn (i was an extremely curious kid and had a modem) at the age of 13/14 and i never even thought of going around asking people to have sex with me. i had my first sexual experience at 18 (and no i’m not a devout christian, i’m an agnostic). when i asked, my parents explained sex and love (and porn) to me as best as they could.
“…Joey became so desperate to experience what he was watching …”
seems to me he didn’t learn (or wasn’t taught) anything about delayed gratification. i was desperate to drive a car when i was 12 but my dad explained to me the legal, physical & psychological constraints and i had to wait till i’m 18 (legal driving license age in my country). i could’ve stolen the car but i knew i wouldn’t drive it properly and the experience would suck and i could get someone else in trouble.
it was more heartwrenching for me to read that the 12yr old child needed to call a phone operator to talk about his needs while his parents were upstairs.
as for the couple… it’s a trust issue and he broke her trust just like an alcoholic, a gambling addict or a cheating husband does. if it weren’t for porn he’d find something else and cheat on his wife.
as i said in a comment on the previous post: porn=alcohol (and i’d expand it to : gambling, smoking, medication, food) – too much of it isn’t good for you
i’m still reading this site cause i enjoy to read other people’s views on life no matter how dogmatic, conservative, liberal or stupid they are.
I told my kids that the best way to learn was through someone else’s example — that was why God gave us relationships. You can learn from your friends mistakes so that you don’t have to make your own. I grew up in Southern California, and I know of many stories of young women who went to LA to become famous, and unable to make a big break, found an easy out in porn. Unfortunately, porn is just as addicting on the other end. It’s easy money. It feels like success, but you come out of it with STDs, AIDS, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, with a used body and a completely altered concept of what sex and relationships are.
It’s impossible to save people who are so certain they are stronger than any ‘example’ you can give and very sad when people really don’t care what happens to other people as long as it doesn’t affect them adversely.
Thank you for your warning, and my sympathies for having to endure all the ‘reasons’ that your warnings don’t apply to ‘other’ people and my prayers are with yours that somewhere there is someone that will listen and be saved the pain of the experience.
I disagree with Michael’s premise and two examples aren’t enough to prove the point. If it were then I’d only need three counter examples to prove that internet porn is good for society.
The first thing we must do is define “porn.” Where is the line between art and porn? Is it a silhouetted breast? The dimples of Venus? A naked leg? David’s penis?
Joey’s problem was not internet porn. Joey’s problem was lack of parental supervision. I have two girls, 11 and 14. I know what websites they look at. I can read their email. I know if they try to subscribe to mature sites. There is plenty of good software for a parent to keep control while giving their child some perceived freedom.
Jacob’s problem was not internet porn. They were “happily married” until she found his porn stash. How long had he been looking at internet porn before Sarah found it? How does meeting other women in real life or on the internet, have anything to do with internet porn? Jacob’s needs were not being met by Sarah. He could have been an adult and discussed them with her. He choose to have affairs. Porn is only a representation of someone else It’s not the same as a spouse having an affair.
Our society has a problem with cause and effect. We love to blame an easy target even it is isn’t the correct target.
I think what is most interesting in all of these conversations is how much the blame is shifted. Porn is a thing, it is not a human, it is there for human consumption and therefore the humans are the issue – not the porn. Blaming porn for someones addiction is like blaming Oreos for someones extra 20 lbs. It is the person that is the problem, not the thing. Oreo’s, in my opinion, are really very hard to stop eating once you start but I don’t ask Kraft to stop selling them because they are disturbing the fabric of my healthful being.
My 5 year old runs into the door when he is moving too fast and turns around and yells at the door for getting in his way. This is just like many of you that look at porn (willingly, with full choice in the matter) and then get angry that PORN is at fault. If you don’t like it, don’t consume it. At some point in life, at some age, you are now responsible, let there be some ownership.
I feel very sorry for the child in the story but I second the notion that in this case, porn is nothing more than a good vehicle for some really big problems.
I am happily married for 8 years, and long before I got married I have been watching porn. I am not addicted to porn, but don’t feel there is anything wrong with going online or renting or buying porn from video/magazine shops. I am certainly not embarressed to say that.
It’s definitely not a relationship or marriage breaker if like everything else in life you do it in moderation. Obviously some people get addicted to porn like they get addicted to smoking or alcohol or drugs, or sitting in online chat rooms, but it is possible to enjoy it just like everything else in life.
To read and I quote, “In order to keep your family and marriage healthy, either get rid of your internet connection at home or get your computers protected, your family are worth it. Pornography destroys everything it has influence over”, is a bit drastic and untrue for many people.
It has certainly not destroyed my relationship, nor my parents or none of my friends, if anything it adds a bit of spice once in a while. Porn is not there as a substitute or as a guide, it’s just a little bit of fun once in while. Just like getting drunk with friends on a Friday night. I can safely drink alcohol and then not drink again for months.
I sometimes wonder how people get addicted to porn when it’s all the same over and over again. Even worse is why to people use their credit cards and buy porn online when there are so many sites offering free porn.
I too believe that porn is extremely dangerous and can ruin families and relationships. It is ironic, but I happened to have just read a book titled, “Love and Pornography” by Victoria Prater and Garry Prater that helps families/couples deal with this very issue. I think the reason why I love this book so much is because it is written by a couple who has actually gone through this themselves and are telling their story about how they overcame it! Very inspirational!
that is the de facto standard reason reason everyone cites. he/she wanted to be famous and then fell into a world of drugs/alcohol/whatever is the bad thing du jour.
if it weren’t for the fact that those girls didn’t grasp life and were thinking that you can become famous overnight i’d say you’re right. you forget all the people that became famous and ended up with STDs, AIDS, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, with a used body and completely altered concept of what sex and relationships are (most famous: britney spears, lindsay lohan (sorry but i can only remember females as an example)) and you forget people that went to LA found a job they love and live a quiet family life.
you say they “found an easy out in porn” – in my mind an easy out is to come back home to your parents and admit to yourself and everyone else you failed and you were wrong. on a second thought that is the hardest thing to do if you’re immature, it is easier to sell yourself and your moral values just so that people back home have a perception that you made it in the big city.
it is impossible to save people that don’t want to save themselves.
I find this kind of thinking very interesting. From all the research I’ve ever read, porn degrades people’s view of people and of sex. Researches have even monitored through MRI’s people watching porn and people taking a hit of heroin, and the effects of porn on the brain were far greater than the effects of heroin. It is a highly addictive practice and leads in to major issues sexually.
Before you quit on this site, I’d beg you to read the following research done on the effects of pornography. This is not only a moral issue for some, but it has proven to be an emotional and psychological issue as well:
http://www.heritage.org/Research/Family/upload/85273_1.pdf
Ashke- I’m confused as to where Corey espoused his dogmatic beliefs. He has generously allowed a free discussion through which others, like myself, have brought faith into the discussion. Since my faith is the foundation for my existence, I cannot separate it from me. Just like you cannot have a conversation that is influenced by faith, I cannot have one that separates it. I do however learn a great deal from the views of those who live from a different prospective. Not only does it broaden my view and understanding but it allows me to dig deeper into what and why I believe what I believe. These conversations are an exchange of views. They are not a venue to devalue another person. I would love your opinion on what has been discussed.
Michael, the Heritage Foundation is a conservative think tank filled with lobbysists who want to use the political system to legislate their version of morality on everyone. This, like most scientific studies done on the issue or porn, can be thrown out without much regard… most have a political or religious agenda and are not worth the time of day. We all know porn can present problems for individuals and marriages but no more than any other type of addiction. People can get addicted to romance novels and comic books but that doesn’t mean there are not plenty of people capable of viewing these items without becoming addicted and without damaging their minds or marriages. But studies sponored by religious or political groups will no doubt have a black and white picture to paint.